It has once again become very clear that God is telling us to wait. For how long? I do not know.
But what else is He saying? What else should we be doing? Specifically, how should I as a (borrowing this from a friend) stay-at-home-non-mom use my days?
I’m going a little bit crazy over here with what I would call my lack of contribution to society and God’s kingdom. But, I think I just came across the issue… I’ve fallen into the trap of believing there are only a few ways I can, as a mid-20s-female, contribute. Mothering or working. Or some combination of those.
I constantly find myself straddling these two. I’m frequently in circles of full-time employees. They talk about projects at work, quirky coworkers, and recent business trips. Or I’m in a circle of full-time moms. They talk about potty training, summer camps, and essential oils. (Ha! A joke. We own some oils.)
No, I don’t want this to be a woe-is-me. I have made choices that have left me straddling these two groups. I’m fully aware. Fully accepting it. It’s a challenge, and I accept it. But I want this to be is a “What is God telling me to do with my time right now?”
Should I find a full-time job? Should we become foster parents? Should we take a long-term Safe Families placement? Should we pursue a concurrent adoption? Should we pursue biological children? Should I open an Etsy shop? Should I go back for another degree or certification?
You see how all those are either related to motherhood or work? What if He’s just telling me to use my time exercising and enjoying Dan and growing my marriage and writing a few foster and adoptive home studies?
Dan and I have this conversation of how I should use my days as frequently as the waves of doubt and sadness and impatience come. We talk about it in the car, in bed at night, and in the restaurant at Trader’s Point Creamery. (Seriously.)
I’m just honestly not sure. Today, I think God might be directing me toward a little more part-time work, but generally still the stay-at-home-non-mom gig I’ve been doing. Two days ago, I was certain it was something else. I’ve opened and promptly closed an Etsy shop, for goodness sakes.
Some aspects of my faith still make me feel a bit embarrassed and confused. I know He speaks in many ways. And I know I’ve heard Him speak many times. But I have sensed direction toward a certain end result and seen those doors completely shut before me. Or I have begged for Him to make it clear and give us wisdom and make the path straight and the path has been so not straight or easy.
Or is He providing me with multiple options that are all true and noble and right and pure? That’s another questions, isn’t it?
What I do know and understand is the “wait” part. Better than ever.