it’s gotten easier

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I’ve said it a few times in conversations lately: “It’s gotten easier as time’s gone on.” Am I saying it as a defense mechanism? As a way to avoid talking about the ache I really truly feel?

(It is a much better response than the one I’m tempted to have. “How’s our adoption going? Well, as you can see, we’re here alone. And we didn’t just leave them with a babysitter.”)

Our adoption process was smooth, smooth sailing for the first six months or so. But then came the trials and delays and frustrations. They knocked me off my feet for a while. Sent me into a sobbing, worried, stressed whirlwind of doubt.

It was yuck. I’m borderline ashamed of my reaction to different news we have gotten along the way. Borderline ashamed of the time it took before I prayed about the news we have gotten along the way.But lately, “it’s gotten easier as time’s gone on” is really the truth.

We’ve learned to cope. For us, coping is not working on the bedroom and not buying more clothes and toys. Coping is, in some cases, not sharing every picture and video and update we receive, because they only lead to more hard questions. (Yes, they’ve gotten “so big.”)

And though, yes, we’ve learned to cope… We’ve hunkered down and leaned on each other for support… We have turned to God (though admittedly still not as often as we should!).

 “Thankfully, it’s God’s grip on [us] — not [our] feeble grip on Him — that keeps [us] safe in the fold of His love.”

It is only by God’s grace that I can say “it’s gotten easier as time’s gone on.” It’s only by God’s grace that I haven’t grown to despise this waiting. It’s only by God’s grace that I can accept that this process is already not turning out how I’d hoped it would. It’s only by God’s grace that I’ve started to use the words “brave” and “patient” to describe myself.

So yes, despite all the stress and delays and hurdles, it’s most definitely gotten easier as time’s gone on. And I can not claim responsibility for that truth. 

  • Thanks for your honesty + transparency. “It’s only by God’s grace…” could start out a lot of phrases in my life right now. Keep being a fierce mama for those kiddos and loving them from here.

  • I’ve been following your story for a while now and it’s been breaking my heart. This adoption thing is so hard, so hard. And I too feel like it goes it phases of being very, very hard to ok this sucks but I’ve got God with me hard. I’m glad you are in an up swing feeling God help you through this. I’ll keep you in my prayers.