trouble sleeping

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I have trouble sleeping. My trouble sleeping has coincided with the start of the adoption process nearly three years ago. I also have back pain which gets worse throughout the night. Its start coincided with grad school. It got better — nearly went away — when I wasn’t working for six months after we moved to Indianapolis. But it’s worse again from carrying a chunk of a baby around.

I understand the source of both these issues. But I can’t seem to make it too much better. I rely on my husband — a doctor — to help me sleep better and make my back hurt less. My “relying” on him generally takes the shape of “complaining” to him. 

We had fun on Saturday night at a birthday party for my sister-in-law. We came home and put our sweet baby boy to bed. He’s put himself on a nice little schedule, and it’s best if we keep a regular bedtime. Dan and I spent some time together after Milo fell asleep and tiredly, happily crawled into bed to sleep soundly on our Costco-purchased memory foam mattress. (Best purchase ever?)

Then I woke up at 5a. Sugar coursing through my veins from over-indulging at the party and thoughts of two boys in Africa racing around my mind. I was hungry. My back hurt badly. And then I could not fall asleep again. Dan fed Milo and came back to bed and I was still awake. Miserable. I told him I planned to get up for the day if I wasn’t asleep at 6a. I took a sleep aid and wished for sleep.

And then I woke up at 9:30a. Worried about Milo and Dan and getting to church in time. Had he fed Milo? Was he fussy? Would we have time to make breakfast? Would I be able to open my eyes enough to take a shower? I’ll be honest, I miss a little bit the mornings of sleeping in and conversations with Dan while we lay in bed and taking our time to make a nice breakfast before church. (Milo does sleep really well, though, guys. We have still had some mornings like that!)

I’ve worried about sweet moments with Dan getting lost in the cries of a hungry baby. I’ve worried about tired, aching irritation overriding my desire to be sweet to my husband. I’ve worried that despite how much we value our marriage and understand prioritizing it, we’ll throw it out the window and scrape by trying to keep our kids happy.

I pried open my eyes enough to look around. And found beside me on the bed tray we’ve used about four times a full breakfast with a tiny flower. Dan and happy Milo and always-happy Oscar came in a bit later. “I had some breakfast helpers this morning,” Dan said, and smiled. 

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  • Karey

    That is so sweet! LOVE it! I remember that feeling (after the first was in our arms, being afraid of losing the “us” we had before kids) and you won’t. My husband’s friend told him, “You can kiss your daily home-made lunches goodbye because your wife will only have time for the kids now” (I know, great friend) and you know what, sometimes it was rocky. Sometimes we didn’t have (make) the time, but we got better. We balanced out. We now have four kids (and in the process of adopting #5 from Burundi) but our relationship is better/stronger than it EVER has been…because we keep it our top priority. Obviously you two are doing that as well (and a lot faster than we ever figured it out!).

    Blessings to you and your sweet family! I rarely comment, but absolutely love reading your blog (I was adopted as an infant domestically and, like I said, my husband and I are adopting internationally. I have my degree in Social Welfare and have a passion for social work as well {even thought I’ve been a stay at home Mama for forever} so I just relate a lot to your heart). Thank you for sharing it! 🙂


  • MeandMySoldierMan

    What a sweet man! You’ll get your mornings together back….and then it will be all three of you hanging out and laughing 🙂